WARD OF THE WINGS - the untold story

The climax of the Warner Brothers version of "Lord of the Rings." Frodo is played by a wabbit:

[Frodo sidesteps the last Orc and dashes to the top of a vertiginous peak off of some 50's classical album.]

Sauwon: Oh no! Oh no! I didn't KILL THE HOBBIT!
Frodo: Aha! Aha! He didn't kill the hobbit!
And now I'm at the top
And now it will be gone--
On second thought, I'll wait
And try the darn thing on.

[Just then, the miserable little black duck runs in]

Gollum: No! You can't have it! It's ours! It's ours! [Grabs the ring; teeters on the edge. Frodo offers a hand, but he slaps it away, sending himself plunging.] OH NO YOU DON'T! HAHAHAHA! [He hits the lava -- not Bill Lava, just the lava.] We win! We're rich! We're powerful! We're a happy miser! [Lava closes over him.] Happy birthday to us! Happy birthday to us...

Sam: Well, he's g-g-g-... he's g-g-g-... that's all, folks!
Frodo: Actually, Sam, we have to trek our way back home for another 45 minutes.
Merry: Thufferin' Thnaketh!
Frodo: Well, whaddaya expect from a trilogy? An ending?

.

 

originally written around 2004 for rec.arts.sf.fandom