Classical Gas

The Disney corporation, ever sensitive to the winds of change, and (since at least the 1950s) ever willing to recut their old products up for present-day sensibilities, determined to get out on the cutting edge of kid appeal by folding flatulence humor into their classic releases. Leaked memo from 2008 reveals some of the specific ideas explored.

SNOW WHITE: 

While cleaning the kitchen, SW can't get the dust out of a large jug, so she has animal pals blow dust out. Bunny butt puff is insufficient, so she has a deer help out. Later gags showing reactions of dwarfs to jug: When Doc first opens it, small cloud comes out; Dopey interacts with the cloud, which reacts with alternate coyness and forwardness; Grumpy scowls it back into the jug, but it comes back, etc.

PINOCCHIO: 

Gags added to "Give a Little Whistle" number by simply substituting flatus sound effects for original whistles. Amusing echo business.

FANTASIA: 

Again, simply adding sound effect to existing scenes: "Dance of the Hours" when hippo lands on gator, "Toccata & Fugue" when big trapezoidal solid walks across screen, and in "sound track" sequence when it makes the big drippy noise. Ideas for adding bottom burps to "Night on Bald Mountain" and "Ave Maria" nixed by humorless suits in front office.

BAMBI: 

Thumper's poem about eating greens is changed to: "Eating greens is good for your heart / There's vitamins in every part! / (But they always make me hafta fart! …I made up that last part myself.)"

LADY AND THE TRAMP: 

Jock taunts Trusty several times by expelling gas near him. Trusty, having lost his sense of smell, is oblivious until the last time, when he tells the abashed scottie "I ain't DEAF, ya know!"

SLEEPING BEAUTY: 

Joke is in "outtake" added at the end, when Prince Phillip bends to kiss his sleeping lady. Gas noise is heard. She giggles, and they both break up.

CINDERELLA: 

Faithful horse is given distinctive sound effect for flatulation, followed each time by horse laugh, and when he's turned into coachman, he still makes the noise and the laugh.

PETER PAN: 

It's no longer enough to shake Tinkerbell for fairy dust. Now you have to squeeze her. Wendy gets relationship off on wrong foot by mis-hearing Peter and calling her "Stink" the first time.

THE LITTLE MERMAID: 

Additional verse and many animated bubbles for "Under the Sea" number. 

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: 

Lumiere occasionally shoots a blue jet from the old afterburner and says "Pardon!" with Gallic charm and no sign of embarrassment.

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Repurposed from a 2008 post at rec.arts.animation.

A Child's Garden of Robots [part 1]

from A CHILD’S GARDEN OF ROBOTS

An Optimal Morning

A robot with a blinking head

Stood beside my trundle bed

Took my vital signs and said

“Normal tolerances read.”

The Little Friend

I have a metal playmate Papa made when I took ill

He fetches things I cannot reach, and brings my morning pill

He tells me what’s on telly, and he wheels me on the green,

And he helps me keep my dining room and playroom good and clean.

When he stands right beside me, he comes just up to my chin,

But he can touch the ceiling when he squeezes himself thin

And he can lift my bed up just by spreading out quite squat

And he can make me go to bed, if I want to or not!

One morning, I woke up before the clock was telling five

And saw him there beside me, very still, his eyes alive.

He tracked each movement that I made, and hummed and clicked inside,

I asked if all was well. "Oh yes," my metal friend replied.

My metal playmate’s my best friend. He's with me every day

He's stood by me, although my other friends have gone away.

My life would be so dull without the truest friend I've seen.

And Papa says he’ll make a girl for me when I’m thirteen!

The Traffic Copper

The robot on the street tells all the autos where to go

And tickets robot cars who drive too quickly or too slow.

It’s terribly observant, and its eyes don’t miss a thing;

Its moves are like a dance so quick it makes you want to sing.

When I start walking 'cross the street, it holds its hand up high

To signal all the robot cars to part and let me by

But if I ask “How do you do?” it never answers back

But gives a friendly little wave to keep me on my track.

I sometimes stand and watch it from the bus stop’s comfy bench.

It’s never tired or angry, and it has no thirst to quench.

It does its job all day without complaining of sore feet.

Why can’t we all be like the shiny robot on the street?

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